I’m having difficulty finding some kind of a balance between being a mom, being a wifey-poo, and being just a normal human being.
I don’t mean to imply that moms and wives are NOT humans, because we are (although by the end of the day, or sometimes first thing in the morning, or when we’re telling a child ‘NO HITTING’ or ‘NO BITING’ for the hundredth time in an hour, we may not FEEL particularly human). What I mean is, I feel like there are three different, yet not entirely separate, parts of myself that make up Cristen, and those three different, yet not entirely separate, parts of myself don’t always work together very well.
My ‘mommy’ self wakes up between 6:30 and 7:30 each morning to take care of a baby.
My ‘wife’ self wants to wake up between 8:30 and 9:30 each morning and drink coffee sitting outside in the morning sun and admiring the unfinished garden projects, while plotting what kind of honey-do’s I could throw at Clint that day.
My ‘Cristen’ self wants to be going to SLEEP at 6:30 in the morning, after having spent the entire night all by myself, reading or playing Harvest Moon or watching Pride and Prejudice.
By the same token, my ‘mommy’ self falls asleep mentally precisely at 10:00 each night, while the ‘wife’ part of me is at least somewhat awake for another hour, and the ‘me’ part of me tosses and turns until five a.m.
You can see how conflicted I am.
Most of my day is spent in mommy-mode. From the time E wakes up until his first nap at about nine, I’m Mama. From the time he wakes up about an hour later until his afternoon nap around 1:30, I’m Mama. From about four o’clock when he wakes up til 8:00 when he goes to bed, I’m Mama. During his awake hours, I have a really hard time having a conversation with anyone about anything that doesn’t directly involve my child, and while I feel kind of bad about that, I can’t help it. Believe me, I’ve tried.
At 8:00 when E goes to bed, I try really hard to switch into wife-mode. I cook dinner, and try to spend time with Clint, but I’m pretty sure my attempts fail and I mostly only accomplish a whole new persona- ‘vegetable’. I think this is what happens while my brain tries to wrap itself around the concept of not being in mommy-mode and trying to remember what the heck wife-mode is even all about.
The ‘Cristen’ part of me spends a lot of time being ignored. You know, the part of me that would much rather be soaking in the tub for an hour than chasing a child or making sure my husband is fed.
Not that he is incapable of feeding himself…I just don’t like him rifling through the kitchen and leaving cupboards open or condiments on the counter. In fact, it’s probably better for my sanity if he just avoids the kitchen altogether.
There’s a little bit of the wife part of me sneaking out…
I actually do really love being a mom, much as it sometimes sounds otherwise. I don’t really mind all that much that E is the main thing I think about during my day (because he’s pretty darned cute, if I do say so myself). I really enjoy just hanging out with him as he explores the house and figures out how to say/do new things.
But for the sake of the people around me, it would be nice to find a balance, so that I can talk about something besides E’s new teeth. Or his sleeping habits. Or his smelly diapers.
Yesterday, one of my mommy friends posted on facebook, “Adult time!” and I thought, “Ooh, what is THAT? It sounds wonderful!”
I’ve not been away from my son for more than a few hours since he was born a little over 15 months ago. Probably that’s why I’m feeling like this, and probably that means it’s time to get away. Bring on that rafting trip that I was dreading a few weeks ago!
…Get me outta here!
Cristen's Corner 